I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Someone signed my nipple.
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