Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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