I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I cannot find my penis.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
