i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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