woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
