You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Randomize
