I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I have fence marks all over my body
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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