I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
