Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
