Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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