when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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