I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
