I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
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The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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