got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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