who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
