i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
