So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual