Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
