I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
