I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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