There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
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My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
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I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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