Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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