hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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