God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
