the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
