I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
