i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm really busy with my period
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