So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
