Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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