My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
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She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
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Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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