just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
