Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
