She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
