It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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