hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
