Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I want to walk on stilts...naked
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Randomize
