The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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