where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
