I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
