sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
