We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
