what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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