Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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