Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
