My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
