who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
