My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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