I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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