The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
