saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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