Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
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