hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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