My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
