I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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