Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
