A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
